Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit