*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
You Might Also Like
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
British websites use biscuits.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.