Peace was never an option
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1