Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy