[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You Might Also Like
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.