If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Just a friendly reminder!
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?