[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I have questions??
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!