a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.