I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
You Might Also Like
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
oh my gosh!!
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before