Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Maths meets science
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.