The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
How do you like your Corgi?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”