I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
We’re all getting idioter.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no