Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
🤣😂🤣
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*