If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.