5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.