What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.