BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
You Might Also Like
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet