a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.