[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?