me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Waiting for the Charmin
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?