1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
The glockness monster
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it