Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.