Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Oh yeah that’s it
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”