Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open