waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.