[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Rather alarming headline…
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on