who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
pep talk
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom