I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?