Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Doctors texting each other.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now