Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
thanks auntie mary
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.