[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
taking June’s advice to heart
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan