My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Seems kinda suspicious
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Whoa 😂
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead