WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline