They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
classic mixup
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!