Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It be like that sometimes 😆
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool