I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
WTF
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?