I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Are we there yet?…
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Cheers Twitter.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.