I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Every. Damn. Time.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.