[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.