My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You Might Also Like
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*