5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]