If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
You Might Also Like
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
This might be the funniest tweet ever
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.