the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
And then there were 4
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: