[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
📽️movie date🎞️
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.