[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.