If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Always 🥴
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan