I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
there has never been a better use of this meme
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You sure about that?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.