I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You Might Also Like
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
No laws when master is gone
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.