“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
never deleting this app.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Is your wife single?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.