It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.